How to find out if your friend is gay
How Do I Help My Gay Friend?
by D’Ann Davis
“How do I help my gay friend?” This is a question we overhear constantly in the Living Hope office, when out speaking at events, or from friends and church members from around the world. Twenty years ago few Christians asked this question, for few knew any same gender attracted people, or if they did know them, they were ignorant to their friend’s struggles. Today almost everyone knows of someone who identifies as queer or deals with a measure of same gender attractions. Even if a Christian finds himself in a season of existence where he does not personally know of a same gender attracted (SGA) person in his sphere of influence, this doubt is of utmost importance in light of the change of our identity and the growing willingness of Christians dealing with SGA to openly communicate about their issues. So how does one support a gay-identified friend or SGA friend?
The first response I typically give to this question is actually another question. “Does your friend know Jesus?” This is a vital first question any believer must tackle before attempting to help a friend deal with her sexual attractions. This is because there are two different ro
If Someone Comes Out to You
Someone who is coming out feels close enough to you and trusts you sufficiently to be straightforward and risk losing you as a friend. It can be difficult to know what to say and what to do to be a supportive friend to someone who has “come out” to you. Below are some suggestions you may wish to follow.
- Thank your partner for having the courage to reveal you. Choosing to tell you means that they possess a great deal of respect and trust for you.
- Don’t decide your friend. If you have tough religious or other beliefs about LGBTIQ communitites, keep them to yourself for now. There will be plenty of time in the future for you to think and talk about your beliefs in beam of your friend’s identity.
- Respect your friend’s confidentiality. Allow them the integrity to contribute what they wish, when and how they want to.
- Tell your friend that you still care about them, no matter what. Be the friend you possess always been. The main fear for people coming out is that their friends and family will reject them.
- Don’t be too serious. Sensitively worded humor may ease the tension you are both probably feeling.
- Ask questions you may have, but understand that your friend
If someone close to you comes out as lesbian, gay, bi or transgender, you may be unsure about how you perceive about it or how to respond.
It is important to grant the person know that you still care about them, even if you don’t understand it all straight away.
Regardless of your initial thoughts or feelings, keep in mind that just because someone identifies as lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender, for the most part it doesn’t change who they are or were and doesn’t make them any less of a friend or family member.
What is important is that you try your best to aid them, even if you’re unsure how you feel right now, and that you are willing to try and learn more about what their sexuality or gender identity means to them.
My friend/family member has come out as lesbian, gay or bisexual
Think about how you felt about them before they told you – ask yourself why this would change just because they are attracted to people of the same gender or are attracted to more than one gender. Who they are attracted to doesn’t change who they are as a person.
It’s OK to let the person grasp that it might take you time to get used to the idea, but
“Ask Kai: Advice for the Apocalypse” is a column by Kai Cheng Thom to help you survive and thrive in a challenging world. Have a question for Kai? Email askkai@dailyxtra.com.
Dear Kai,
I’m a gay dude who has been in a friendship with a presumably straight man for about eight years. I say “presumably” because in all those years, he’s never dated or expressed interest in anyone, male or female. Three years into our friendship I asked if he was same-sex attracted and he said no, so I left it at that. But recently the question has become harder to shake: He’s now an enthusiastic fan of RuPaul’s Performative Race, pop divas, baking, his moustache and other stereotypically gay things. I want to acquire an honest conversation about his sexuality, but I concern about coming across as if I’m only asking because I want to date or nap with him. (He’s very handsome, which only makes it more suspect that he hasn’t been with anyone for as long as I’ve known him.) I just crave him to inhabit openly. How act I have that conversation with him? Maybe he’s asexual or aromantic? Is it even any of my business? Should I just leave it alone?